I said to the Gym instructor “Can you teach me to do the splits?” He said, “How flexible are you?” I said, “I can’t make Tuesdays.”

White Twitch

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one – and let the other one off.

White Twitch

Doc, I can’t stop singing the ‘Green Green Grass of Home’. He said: “That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.” “Is it common?” I asked.  “It’s not unusual” he replied.

White Twitch

I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.

White Twitch

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.

White Twitch

A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, “Is this some kind of joke?”

White Twitch

I was in Tesco’s and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said, “Are you two an item?”

White Twitch